Here we are at 2010. A new year, the start of a new decade. As I sit here and reflect on 2009, (which I have done for the last several days), I am glad to put this year behind me. I am going to be real here. In many ways it was a difficult year for me. A year of loneliness and feeling sad. I haven't told many people how lonely I have felt, how isolated and sad. I have been very unhappy this last year. I think sad is a word I would use to sum it up. Sad that I feel alone much of the time. Sad because I have feel I have failed my kids, sad because I feel I have no one to talk to. Sad because I am so unhappy with my home in all it's cluttered mess. Sad because of the large amount of debt we are carrying. I feel I have let my family down. Lonely because I feel isolated at times even when I am with others. Worried is another word I would use, worried about our debt and how to pay it off, worried about my health and needing to take better care of myself. Worried I am not a good enough mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend. All of these negative feelings. They are not good. They need to go! Many days I feel I am on the verge of tears. I smile and try to be positive, but inside I feel much differently.
Immobile is another word I would use to describe 2009. I have been so overwhelmed, I just do nothing. I sit immobile. Not sure where to start, how to start, why I should do anything? It is easier just to let things go, not bother, not even try.
Don't get me wrong, I have had very many wonderful days, fun with the boys and Larry. I just feel on the verge of spiraling downward and having such a hopeless feeling. Not feeling I have anyone to reach out to and I have felt that way many times this year. This has been the first Christmas I have wanted to take the Christmas tree down the day after Christmas. I didn't because the boys protested too much, but I wanted to. Really badly. It is still up and will stay up until at least next weekend when we have family coming to celebrate a late Christmas.
So far this does not sound like a fresh new start does it? Well I have decided that this is going to be a big year of change for me. I have felt this way for the past few weeks. A new start, a clean slate. I feel that this year I can make the changes I need to. Will it be easy? No in fact I am sure it is going to be very hard. Change is always hard in some ways isn't it?
I've mentioned in the past I never make resolutions, but I do try to set goals. Calling it a goal instead of a resolution seems like something more attainable to me. I don't know why it just does.
Here are the big changes I want to make in my life this year:
Have a better relationship with God. I am working on this goal by signing up for Reading the Bible in 90 days Challenge. (which starts today) This is a start and I think I am up for this challenge. By relying on God I think this is the only way I can achieve the following goals.
Pay down our debt. This is another huge, huge goal. We have so much debt. You would be shocked. I know we will not pay it all off this year but I want to make a dent in it. This will be another difficult challenge. I have been encouraged though and have a sense of peace that we can achieve this goal. I have had to change my mindset from: It's only a dollar! You see I am the spender in the family, I freely admit it. Later today I will start with a fresh new spiral notebook to list every single debt and every single bill/expense we have. (I'm not looking forward to this but I need to know where we stand) I will be reading Dave Ramsey's book once again to encourage me as well as Mary Hunt's books I have been a Mary Hunt fan for over 15 years and I think it is time to re-read her books as well.
Declutter my house. This is something I have been working on and off over the past year. I have taken countless bags and boxes of items to the thrift store. Of course we tend to bring things back in. I belong to a declutter thread on one forum and another forum I also belong to has just started one so I will be participating in that one as well. I am going to start doing the challenges and last night sat and made an extensive master list of what I want to do in each and every room of this house over the course of the year. I was shocked to see it all on paper and yet having the visual will help since I am a visual person.
Become more healthy. This is another huge challenge for me. I have tried in the past(not the recent past that is for sure) but this is something I need to do this year. I really do. I need to change the way I eat, how I use food and how I relate to food. I need to start exercising each day.
I have many smaller goals I want to achieve but I think this encompasses the majority of them and will start here and work in the smaller ones as I go.
I covet your prayers as I set out to work on and accomplish these goals. I know I can do it. I know with prayer and sacrifice I can. It is not going to be easy but I if I take it one day at a time I know I can reach these goals. With God's help I am going to turn things around.
So there you have it. Me being real. One thing I did learn this year is that many of us seem to have it together on the outside and yet on the inside there is much struggle and turmoil.
14 comments:
Oh, Michele! I wish we lived closer to each other because I would love to have someone to do things with. And I, too, have had so many of those feelings you talked about. I hope it helps you to know that you always bring a smile to my day with your blog and your posts. Happy New Year, friend! I pray this is a great one!
Big Hugs! You can do it, every last one of the things you listed and I'll be praying for you and cheering you along! I'm with Jen though.. if we lived closer I'd be happy to do things with you, we kinda float on our own out this way most days too.. Alas. Praying that 2010 is a GREAT year for you!
Oh Michele, I'm sorry to read that you have been so sad and lonely. I think for us homeschooling moms it is so easy to feel lonely, I know I struggle with that too. I'll pray for you...that you would feel God's presence in a strong way in the coming weeks...and that He would give you the motivation to work on the things you hope to accomplish. I have many of the same goals you do. We just worked on our new budget last week and have GOT to do better...I'm also decluttering and trying to get healthier. It's so hard isn't it?!?!
Michele,
I'm praying for you. I too am trying to get healthier, draw closer to the Lord, and I didn't type it out but my basement needs to be decluttered and organized better. It seems that most days it's hard just to keep up with the basics. Praying the Lord gives you Grace and Diligence (my two words for the new year).
Michele, I will be praying for your situation. It is so easy to become sad and depressed when you stay home with your children. I know exactly where you are coming from. I keep seeing more grey hair every day from all the worries. Our family too has immense debt. And, like you, I have been the one who did all the spending. I think I like to shop to make myself feel better. We have over 30K that we are trying to pay off. It is so hard when there just isn't enough money to cover what is needed. Let's make a pact to pray for each other. If we feel like spending money, we can e-mail each other instead! With God, we can do it. Let's start this year off right. Hugs and prayers to you.
I love your plans for the coming year. You are an encouragement to many. I hope you share your progress as you go along!
Blessings
Mrs. White
Michele, Thank you for being real. There are too many chocolate dipped blogs out there, and that's just not real life, most days.
I'll be praying for you. You have some great goals, and I'm sure the reading the Bible in 90 days will be a great start to the rest of them. Even if you don't get the whole Bible read, each chapter, each verse can bring you closer to each of those other goals.
Praying!
Erin
I also appreciate your being open about your regrets and sadness in 2009. I struggle with being open about feelings myself. Your goals for 2010 look great and I admire your positive attitude about the changes you will be making!
I also appreciate your being open about your regrets and sadness in 2009. I struggle with being open about feelings myself. Your goals for 2010 look great and I admire your positive attitude about the changes you will be making!
The more I read other mommy bloggers when they are being real, the more I realize we all have in common. Reading your words...you could have been talking about me. I'll be praying for you and your goals...2010 really is a new year.
I know how easy it can be to get down on yourself! I had much of the same feelings as you last year.
I do hope 2010 will be better for us all! We have several of the same goals. I am doing the 90 day challenge with you and the other ladies. I also need to get healthier and have just started getting rid of as much junk in the house as possible.
Good luck with all your goals!
Blessings to you in 2010. This post is an encouragement to me and I know many others as well!
I seriously could have written this post myself. I feel like a failure in all these areas including debt. Although hubby and I both share in this responsibility and it has gotten to the point of us not being able to make the minimums. It is amazing how deep it is to fall into deeper.
But the Lord is good and I know He has a plan. My main focus this year is Bible study in the morning. I have seriously veered away from my personal time with Him. I will be praying for you as well.
Oh how that last sentence is so true Michele! I would dare say that all of us could be included in that last sentence. I suppose it's the consequences of living as sinful human beings. I can so relate to so much of what you wrote here Michele! I wish we lived closer so that we could get together in person and encourage one another. I will gladly be praying for you through this year and your requests. Please pray for me/us too. We struggle financially. If we could buy a house again we could lower our monthly housing payment as renting is so high but saving enough money to buy again isn't easy when theirs nothing leftover to save each month. That has been our greatest financial struggle these past two years. It's frustrating. I so desperately need to work on decluttering our home too. I go through periods where I can just ignore it but most of the time it really bothers me. If you could see our house you would probably die. I don't even have people over anymore because I can't keep up with the house and everything else and I'm too embarrased to have someone over with it looking like it does. Sad, isn't it.
Life is so hard sometimes.
Hugs,
~Jen
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