Here we are at 2010. A new year, the start of a new decade. As I sit here and reflect on 2009, (which I have done for the last several days), I am glad to put this year behind me. I am going to be real here. In many ways it was a difficult year for me. A year of loneliness and feeling sad. I haven't told many people how lonely I have felt, how isolated and sad. I have been very unhappy this last year. I think sad is a word I would use to sum it up. Sad that I feel alone much of the time. Sad because I have feel I have failed my kids, sad because I feel I have no one to talk to. Sad because I am so unhappy with my home in all it's cluttered mess. Sad because of the large amount of debt we are carrying. I feel I have let my family down. Lonely because I feel isolated at times even when I am with others. Worried is another word I would use, worried about our debt and how to pay it off, worried about my health and needing to take better care of myself. Worried I am not a good enough mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend. All of these negative feelings. They are not good. They need to go! Many days I feel I am on the verge of tears. I smile and try to be positive, but inside I feel much differently.
Immobile is another word I would use to describe 2009. I have been so overwhelmed, I just do nothing. I sit immobile. Not sure where to start, how to start, why I should do anything? It is easier just to let things go, not bother, not even try.
Don't get me wrong, I have had very many wonderful days, fun with the boys and Larry. I just feel on the verge of spiraling downward and having such a hopeless feeling. Not feeling I have anyone to reach out to and I have felt that way many times this year. This has been the first Christmas I have wanted to take the Christmas tree down the day after Christmas. I didn't because the boys protested too much, but I wanted to. Really badly. It is still up and will stay up until at least next weekend when we have family coming to celebrate a late Christmas.
So far this does not sound like a fresh new start does it? Well I have decided that this is going to be a big year of change for me. I have felt this way for the past few weeks. A new start, a clean slate. I feel that this year I can make the changes I need to. Will it be easy? No in fact I am sure it is going to be very hard. Change is always hard in some ways isn't it?
I've mentioned in the past I never make resolutions, but I do try to set goals. Calling it a goal instead of a resolution seems like something more attainable to me. I don't know why it just does.
Here are the big changes I want to make in my life this year:
Have a better relationship with God. I am working on this goal by signing up for Reading the Bible in 90 days Challenge. (which starts today) This is a start and I think I am up for this challenge. By relying on God I think this is the only way I can achieve the following goals.
Pay down our debt. This is another huge, huge goal. We have so much debt. You would be shocked. I know we will not pay it all off this year but I want to make a dent in it. This will be another difficult challenge. I have been encouraged though and have a sense of peace that we can achieve this goal. I have had to change my mindset from: It's only a dollar! You see I am the spender in the family, I freely admit it. Later today I will start with a fresh new spiral notebook to list every single debt and every single bill/expense we have. (I'm not looking forward to this but I need to know where we stand) I will be reading Dave Ramsey's book once again to encourage me as well as Mary Hunt's books I have been a Mary Hunt fan for over 15 years and I think it is time to re-read her books as well.
Declutter my house. This is something I have been working on and off over the past year. I have taken countless bags and boxes of items to the thrift store. Of course we tend to bring things back in. I belong to a declutter thread on one forum and another forum I also belong to has just started one so I will be participating in that one as well. I am going to start doing the challenges and last night sat and made an extensive master list of what I want to do in each and every room of this house over the course of the year. I was shocked to see it all on paper and yet having the visual will help since I am a visual person.
Become more healthy. This is another huge challenge for me. I have tried in the past(not the recent past that is for sure) but this is something I need to do this year. I really do. I need to change the way I eat, how I use food and how I relate to food. I need to start exercising each day.
I have many smaller goals I want to achieve but I think this encompasses the majority of them and will start here and work in the smaller ones as I go.
I covet your prayers as I set out to work on and accomplish these goals. I know I can do it. I know with prayer and sacrifice I can. It is not going to be easy but I if I take it one day at a time I know I can reach these goals. With God's help I am going to turn things around.
So there you have it. Me being real. One thing I did learn this year is that many of us seem to have it together on the outside and yet on the inside there is much struggle and turmoil.